What Would I Do Without Her?

My mother did not leave me empty when she passed. She left me with her gift of life. How easy it would be to choose to be blind to this and to ignore, out of my own fears of falling apart within, in grief. Instead, I know that my mother would want me to choose to accept her gift she so freely gave, and move forward with it.

I seek to feel comfort in my thoughts of my mother, not pain, nor emptiness. To feel her presence, not absence. To think of her, and remember rather than attempt, with great struggles to avoid thoughts of her. A mother as her could only give of contentment and her love taught me this. I will not forget. I am filled with memories of a lifetime because of her which seem to come now in even greater appreciation than ever before. My own life continues on, sharing memories and making new. She is still a part of that and always will be. I know, she would not wish for me to miss these opportunities. Her love taught me this. And as I move on, I bring with me, parts of my mother.

I cannot ignore that in all things, she exists. I see her, when I look into the mirror, or catch a glimpse of her in a look or movement in my sister and brother. I see her in the smile of my own children, and in the eyes of my grandchildren. She is a part of each of us and of who we are. She would not want for me to miss anything in my life, by turning a cheek out of pain or sorrow. For I know, if I did this, she did not exist.

Instead, I seek for ways to carry her forward with me; to speak to her and to believe that she does hear me. In doing so, I find comfort still in her. I feel her warmth and allow the beauty of her to continue on in her shine. I feel her presence still surrounding me and I do not fear it.

And as tears do fall, as they sometimes will, it is her cleansing my soul once again. Let it be.

In this, I found the answer to my question so many times asked. “What would I do without her?”

And I know I will continue on, keeping her memory alive as sweet not bitter, just as she told me. Not fear, but acceptance; neither blindness nor avoidance but rather with my eyes open and a heart that still holds her dearly. And this is what I am to do.

This she taught me. And now I know, in her teachings, I am never without her.