This Past Year............March 25, 2006 to.....

March 25, 2007

It has been a year on this day, since my Mother passed away. I remember it as though it were just yesterday, yet so much has taken place in a year’s time. Getting through each hurdle; each holiday, birthday, celebration, without her made each another new experience. Even the news on television, or a change in the weather, or something new or different in the day made me think to pick up the phone and call her, out of habit, as I would have done.

At times it was difficult to have to remind myself she was gone and yet, to remember that she was, was much more difficult.

She was always on my mind. I sought ways to ease my loss, to spare my own grief. I wanted to think of her, remember her, without the pain it would bring to me. I found comfort in a garden made for her. I found comfort in writing. I found comfort in my family, friends and co-workers. In time, I found comfort in my work, of helping other families through their own losses and grief, though that took awhile for me to do again. Yet, I did find that in helping others, it would bring me out of myself, and I also healed more.

I have often looked back at her last week with us. Each day was more of a struggle for her and for all of us, as we remained by her side. As her days, we knew became less, we never left her alone. We played music in her room, her favorite songs and we’d comfort her with our touch and voice. She knew we were there beside her all the time and we were. That last week ,as it moved closer to this day of March 25, one year ago, was the most wearing time of my life. Never had my own emotions felt so raw and exposed and exhausted.. But I believe that because I had that week, and because we were all together in our emotional pain, and because we all accepted and supported each other for being right as we were, I truly feel that my grieving had begun before she was gone from us.

I often see her face, in the face of another. Or hear her voice from afar, but it is the voice of another. I found a cassette tape made not too long ago, of her singing with all of us, in one of our many good times. I carefully wrapped it up and put safely away. I found her hair brushes just last week, packed, its bristles still with her hair, and I quickly pulled some out only to rub it between my fingers, feeling its softness. I have received things in the mail all this past year, in her name. I’d stare for the longest time at the dates of her name or purchase, or check, from just before her illness, thinking how little we knew on that date, so near her time of passing. I have my private moments still of emotions that sometimes just seem to burst out of me. Often, while driving in my car and a song comes on that takes my mind to her, I just allow myself to cry, as I need to. I’ve caught myself thinking “I need to call Ma to see what she thinks of this news………or this storm report……..or to see how she is doing…If she needs something at the store….or or or….” And then, I remember again.

The loss of my Mother certainly has made me more sensitive towards others in their own pains of grief. I understand now in ways which I was incapable of, before experiencing such a loss in my own life. To give another comfort is truly heart felt from me now and not just another part of my job responsibility. My heart easily bleeds yet for the most part I am able to keep my own emotions controlled when necessary. I am healing and I have healed greatly. Not fully but I don’t think that is possible to believe I ever will, fully.

The loss of my Mother has made me appreciate and value family more, and memories, and to want to know of my past more than ever. I have been digging into pictures, and wanting to put them in order to preserve them all. I have a deeper gratitude for my family and for all of our memories. My brother and sister feel more like a part of myself. It is us three who are the ones that truly know where we’ve come from.

On this 1st year anniversary of my mother’s death, I have reflected and I have realized that the pain is not as great as it was at this time, a year ago. That there has been some acceptance, and there have been valuable lessons learned in such things as knowing what is really important. Knowing what really matters. There is some sadness in these lessons learned which is that I don’t believe anyone could fully know these lessons of such gratitude, in their heart, until they’ve also had such a great loss.

And even in all I’ve grieved and shared, I miss her terribly. And even in all I’ve learned, I’d trade it all for even a moment with her again.