The autumn is behind us now. Don finished raking up the last of the leaves today on the lawn and believe it or not, the temps hit near 70. It sure didn't feel like November but I have a feeling once this warmth passes, the chill will be in the air. Winter now approaches, after all Thanksgiving is only another three weeks away. That doesn't seem possible. Time goes way too quickly. Noah turned 8 months today. Kelsey will be 11 next month. And I? Well, though I had my birthday last month, lets just say that I seek for ways to hold the precious moments longer than they stay; i take lots of pictures! This morning, as I always like to do on weekend mornings, I lingered the morning through. I sat and watched the slide shows of the summer gardens and flowers, that I had made. Seems like just yesterday that they were all in full bloom but they've all been cut down to the ground now and everything is ready for the cold, the frost and snows. I know they are all there still, just below the surface, safely sleeping until the spring comes again. And, strangely enough these thoughts come to mind, when just the other day I had the conversation at work about the seasons of our life.
The Autumn of my life is actually a wonderful place to be. Gone are the struggles to survive in the spring, when one is new and so independent upon others for the strength to survive. The building of one's foundation in the springtime, and at times even crumbling - only to rebuild again and again until finally the summer brings the needed warmth. Now, in the autumn of my life, I can look back with an appreciation that neither spring nor summer knows. The beauty in change surrounds now, rather than the beauty of developing and growth. I am now three seasons, like the colorfully weaved, patchwork quilt. Memories abound and mesh; have made me who I am. But, far from complete, as there is still much to learn and become a part of, such is life. Yet, what never ceases to grow is a forever deepening appreciation for what has been, what is and what is to be. I'm trying to hold on to it all. I write, I take pictures; dream and then I put it all together, for another time and place. It will be remembered; learned and appreciated, also, by you who takes the time.
Do I make sense tonight as I just write my each moment's passing thought? Does it really matter if I do or not? One of the beauties that I have learn these past few years of writing here is that when I have written just what has drifted through my mind in the moment, seems to be the most meaningful to me; the most uplifting in another day. So, here I am, this place, this Beauty of Life place that I created years ago, still is so much a part of my life. Sometimes, that amazes even me. Little did I know and I had not had a plan in mind, when I started that it would continue. Yet, it does. Here I write for us. I write for my family; for my children that some day they will read it all again and again, all the way back. I write for my grandchildren because they will know me and see themselves here. I write for my sister. I write for those who begin their grief or travel through it. I write to my mother and I write for myself. This blog is open to all and so, I write to you.
Autumn passes now. The trees are bare and the skies are grey. Darkness comes early and the moon, like a harvest moon shines the way. Wood fires burning, taking the evening's chill out of the air and I love making homemade soups. And here it is already November, winter nears. Did I hear 50 something more days til Christmas? And yes, its rare but true, I've started my shopping already. I want to look forward to it rather than dread it. Though, those plans have come my way before, year after year. All good and full intentions to do it early but I stop almost as soon as I have started and then once again I find myself racing around in the dark and cold to finish it up near the final days. I swear that won't happen again this year!! (sureeee)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Stand By Me..
When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see
No I won't be afraid
No I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me
If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the sea
I won't cry, I won't cry
No I won't shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Darling, darling stand by me
Stand by me
Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Outside my door...(click on it to enlarge)
I've posted more than one photo looking out this front door of mine. Some were of the snows and of the ice that had crashed down onto the porch. Somewhere in this blog it showed the snow drifted so high in front of this door that there was no way in, or out. Some were of the green fullness of summer days or the brilliance of spring blossoming and now, the colors that seem to knock gently making me hurry each morning to open the shades and let them all flood into the room. This picture, taken last week, actually was to show that snow was blowing around. The snow did not come out in the picture, but still, the picture held it's own beauty, if only to me.
Soon to be gone, but then, another picture will be waiting to be captured.
Friday, October 23, 2009
When I Am Old...
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pensionon brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pensionon brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!
Autumn - 2009 (October 23, 2009)
Its hard to believe that Autumn, my most loved time of year, is nearing its end. It always goes too fast. I do try to capture every moment possible from the very beginning of watching the summer leaves begin to hint at changing colors. I don't want to miss a thing. The night's air feels like October, with its sometimes warm breeze. Like last night, in the 60's, and walking the outside mall with Tammy and Noah, was so refreshing.
October has some special dates; my birthday, my sister's birthday and anniversary. Its great time of year to get out and do things. Take a ride up into the mountains for sightseeing or along the coast. We tried something fun and went "Letterboxing" this month with. An enjoyable family outing, that didn't cost a thing. We're hoping to go again soon, maybe even this Sunday.
The smell of wood stoves burning is in the air and the sound of chain saws buzzing away, as we all get ready for the winter months ahead, can be heard in the not too far distance. The seemingly endless raking of fallen leaves begins to finally near its end as the last of the leaves fall from the trees; all signs of whats to come. Though last weekend we had even more of a sign, when from out of no where the wind picked up and blew, wet, white snow around for near a hour. It didn't stick to the still too warm ground here but in some places I hear that it did accumulating to a few inches. I snapped a few pictures quickly but the snow didn't come out; the lawns still much too green. There are always those autumn rain and wind storms that come along, finishing off the season for us.
I remember looking out the window one late fall, into the bleakness between seasons. The leaves gone; branches brown and thin didn't allow for the full privacy of the summer's growth. The sky was grey and the day just seemed one of those raw, blah type of days. The sun was setting early, as the darkness comes in the late afternoon, and I snapped my camera out the sliding door, taking a picture of filtered sun that shone through the trees. As grey as the day was and as blah as it appeared, that picture I framed. I still have it framed and hanging on the wall in my office with a little poem under it. That "blah" looking day of nothing but bareness, with color gone and the sky grey and the raw dampness in the air turned out to be a lesson learned in what might only "appear" as nothing special. Instead, I found a new kind of beauty. So, beneath the picture, I wrote a little poem of my lesson learned and felt. From my own eyes and heart..... Look beyond those first thoughts......I found much beauty in that bleak day....... and posted this near the beginning of this blog....
"Beauty In Seasons"
Beauty in Season
I closed my eyes
And you were gone
Blossoms like fireworks,
Their brilliance bursting…
Blue skies and star filled nights
Yet what I found…You’ve not gone,
Your beauty is in my sight.
~Opal~
It is all in how we view the world.
We will see what we want to see
And we will miss much if we don't take the time,
to see beyond what something may appear
with only a passing glance.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Vacation 9/7/09-9/14/09
My end of summer vacation week was spent differently this time, than it has over the past few years. In the past, my vacation normally existed without plans as I'm one that loves to go into each new day going with my feelings of the moment. Those times away from my work were normally spent quietly, and usually alone through most of it. This was by choice, as I find much comfort in alone and quietness, which is something that I don't have much of during my regular schedule.
There were also those few times when I would take off with my sister for a few days, to the mountains and once, a few others joined us for our little trip. Last spring, These times are treasured times and we still talk about them.
Whether alone, with my sister, or with others, I always have gone back to the same place up into the White Mountains of N.H. and stayed at the same Hotel. Last spring, I even went there alone, and altered it slightly by staying in the suite. I have also enjoyed and though it was to the same place, every time I went, it would be still, different.
And so, I write about this vacation. I think its the most different of them all because each day of it, I planned something. So unlike me! But, in doing so its made this vacation different than the ones before it. And though I've enjoyed them all and who I was with; this vacation seemed to include everyone at one point or another.
So, here I place my vacation journal for the Autumn 2009:
On Friday, 9/4, my last day of work before my vacation and the day went by smoothly. I made sure that all my work was up to date, my office clean, and that I prepared ahead whatever I was able to so that when I return after vacation, "catch up" won't be to to bad. My goal is achieved, and I'm able to walk out the door without unfinished work lingering over my head. Off I go. That night, I went to bed fairly early, because I want to wake fresh and ready to take on, whatever I feel like!
Saturday, I slept in some in the morning til near 10am. I took my time that morning with coffee. It was a beautiful sunny day and then I got busy with some house work, which I enjoy doing on Saturdays when no one is home. It was a quiet, peaceful day. Later in the day, I watched Noah into the night. I took him to the park with Heidi, Charlie, Ashley and Kelsey. It was a wonderful time.
There were also those few times when I would take off with my sister for a few days, to the mountains and once, a few others joined us for our little trip. Last spring, These times are treasured times and we still talk about them.
Whether alone, with my sister, or with others, I always have gone back to the same place up into the White Mountains of N.H. and stayed at the same Hotel. Last spring, I even went there alone, and altered it slightly by staying in the suite. I have also enjoyed and though it was to the same place, every time I went, it would be still, different.
And so, I write about this vacation. I think its the most different of them all because each day of it, I planned something. So unlike me! But, in doing so its made this vacation different than the ones before it. And though I've enjoyed them all and who I was with; this vacation seemed to include everyone at one point or another.
So, here I place my vacation journal for the Autumn 2009:
On Friday, 9/4, my last day of work before my vacation and the day went by smoothly. I made sure that all my work was up to date, my office clean, and that I prepared ahead whatever I was able to so that when I return after vacation, "catch up" won't be to to bad. My goal is achieved, and I'm able to walk out the door without unfinished work lingering over my head. Off I go. That night, I went to bed fairly early, because I want to wake fresh and ready to take on, whatever I feel like!
Saturday, I slept in some in the morning til near 10am. I took my time that morning with coffee. It was a beautiful sunny day and then I got busy with some house work, which I enjoy doing on Saturdays when no one is home. It was a quiet, peaceful day. Later in the day, I watched Noah into the night. I took him to the park with Heidi, Charlie, Ashley and Kelsey. It was a wonderful time.
Sunday, we got together at my house for a cookout. It was Labor Day weekend, the offical end to the summer. I made potato salad and lots of other goodies, and everyone brought something. It was nice getting together and another perfect weather day.
On Monday, we went to the Fair. I had not been to a Fair for years. I'm not sure exactly what got into me to want to go now but I went. It was the last day of the fair. It wasn't crowded and it wasn't too hot.
Tuesday, I traveled to Vermont, to see the Quechee Gorge. It was a beautiful ride on a beautiful early fall day. Stopped for a hearty breakfast on the way and it filled our stomachs until the next day! The Gorge was beautiful.
On Wednesday, I headed north with Don into the White Mts. A place it seems I've gone each spring and fall for the last last few years. We shopped some, took rides through the mountains, watched movies, and walked lots. The weather was beautiful and it was really a nice couple of days away once again.
Same place - Different road
My usual vacation place had a few new twists and turns in it. We called it "exploring". It started on a road we probably shouldn't of been on but we took it. It was named Hurricane Road for a reason, and I learned why first hand. A bit spooky when we entered the opened gates, which we're sure they must be closed at least for the winters, if not, nightly. There are no houses on Hurricane road, no lights, no electric. We assume it might be used for a "short cut" from N.H. to Maine because once at the other end of it, Maine is nearby. Its a short cut because rather than drive around and around the endless white mountains and through the thick, deep, state forests, this road takes you over a mountain; UP and DOWN, over it! Its a climb! Well, today, the gate was open. It did say no trucks but we assumed it meant "bigger than the one we were in" kinda truck. So we went through the gates. It did not take long to figure out why no "larger" trucks were to enter those gates, the very narrow road ahead of us did not leave much room for another vechicle to go by and it was a two way "road", if that is what it is called; seemed more like a lane than a road. There were no places to change your mind and turn around either, once on it, you were on it till the end. Now you'd think that a road such as this would go unused, but to our surprise, and always at a bad time, BOOM! There would be a car (thankfully a small one) that would be flying, and I do mean flying past us. They must of driven this road a millon times because they surely knew where they were going and what they were up against. We didn't. Up, up, up, up, that road climbed, with bending corners shaped as and L, and still, up further as though we headed into the sky. There were a few drops down and the road seemed to disappear, when we were climbing once again. At the very beginning of the upward climb, the forest deep out my window, and oh so pretty. The top picture of this blog is a waterfall in the forest, though there was no stopping to take it, so I just snapped as I was able to.
Once at the top of this narrow mountain road, you could see forever. The mountains and lakes, as though we were sitting on a cloud looking outward. We also could see the road before us, and its drop down. Yep, what goes up, must come down, including us. We couldn't sit and take in this unbelieveable view for long. There is no where to pull over. You sit in the middle of the road and actually the middle of the road, IS the entire road. So, downward we went.
Passing forests with trees so thick at times, making one wonder if anyone had ever set foot onto this land before. It gave proof of the harshness that winter left behind in twisted branches, and broken trunks. Looking out into the sky as one traveled down this narrow mountain road, felt like you were slowly falling back to earth from a cloud. How beautiful it really was and fun! We did it again, and then yet again. No doubt, we will return to this narrow little road that brings you up and over a mountain, into the sky, and then back to earth once again.
Looking Out at the world and looking down, our one way back to earth. I call this the road less traveled, for sure!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Vacation
Vacation has started and I'm thrilled. I've already taken a 4 hour nap once home from work tonight. It was the kick off of my vacation. Now, its after 11pm and my hours begin to change and reverse from day and night. And I've even made some plans! A cookout on Sunday for Labor Day, which represents the official end of the summer to so many. After this weekend, so many return from their vacations, kids go back to school, the leaves are changing, apple picking time comes along, the nights have already started to cool which is wonderful. Autumn is also my favorite time of year. I don't mind that the summer now nears it's end. I enjoy what is ahead too much. So, besides a cookout on Sunday, which will be my own celebration of Labor Day, the end of summer, the start of my vacation and the joy of autumn in the air.
I also am making plans, (Yes, i did say "plans", which is something in itself that I don't normally do) to go to the Fair on Monday with family. I haven't been for years. I dislike the heat of the day and the crowds and lines but, I'm on vacation! And i'm in the mood for a few autumn like things such as a fair. I enjoy the craft parts of them and displays.
So there is Sunday and Monday. Of course tomorrow, Saturday, I'll do some things around the house and some cooking but I enjoy that also.
I don't have further plans from that. I might take off for a day with my sister, our cameras and out to lunch. But then again, I might even take myself up to my favorite place up north for a few nights. I also would like to take a day trip, or even over night, up into Vermont's Quechee Gorge. I'm gonna go with the flow of how I feel. This vacation is, as with any of them, so needed as I feel drained. One thing I do know for sure is that I won't be going into work this week and I'm not going to be focused on it.
So stay tuned for plans and results of the days of vacation!
The girls started school the other day. Ashley just had her birthday last Sunday. Got them much school clothing and supplies and really enjoyed my time with them. Noah just got his first pair of shoes; a pair of white puma sneakers size 4! What a big boy. He will be 6 months old this Tuesday, the 8th. He has started sitting up on his own and he is rolling all over the place now. Tammy moved his crib out of her room into the loft. Slowly, Noah is taking over the house. We're going to build a wall on the loft and make it into a regular bedroom for him. He seems to be sleeping better just in his crib in the loft as he is going to bed earlier now. They grow so fast. I'm really trying to take my time with Noah and enjoying every minute that I can, knowing that each moment, each day passes and it will never return again.
I've been working on some slide shows. I'm learning more and more with each one that I create. I've really been enjoying making them. I'm also working on a scrapebook of my flowers. Hopefully this week, I'll get to work on both, some. So much to fit into a week's vacation, its exhausting!
I also am making plans, (Yes, i did say "plans", which is something in itself that I don't normally do) to go to the Fair on Monday with family. I haven't been for years. I dislike the heat of the day and the crowds and lines but, I'm on vacation! And i'm in the mood for a few autumn like things such as a fair. I enjoy the craft parts of them and displays.
So there is Sunday and Monday. Of course tomorrow, Saturday, I'll do some things around the house and some cooking but I enjoy that also.
I don't have further plans from that. I might take off for a day with my sister, our cameras and out to lunch. But then again, I might even take myself up to my favorite place up north for a few nights. I also would like to take a day trip, or even over night, up into Vermont's Quechee Gorge. I'm gonna go with the flow of how I feel. This vacation is, as with any of them, so needed as I feel drained. One thing I do know for sure is that I won't be going into work this week and I'm not going to be focused on it.
So stay tuned for plans and results of the days of vacation!
The girls started school the other day. Ashley just had her birthday last Sunday. Got them much school clothing and supplies and really enjoyed my time with them. Noah just got his first pair of shoes; a pair of white puma sneakers size 4! What a big boy. He will be 6 months old this Tuesday, the 8th. He has started sitting up on his own and he is rolling all over the place now. Tammy moved his crib out of her room into the loft. Slowly, Noah is taking over the house. We're going to build a wall on the loft and make it into a regular bedroom for him. He seems to be sleeping better just in his crib in the loft as he is going to bed earlier now. They grow so fast. I'm really trying to take my time with Noah and enjoying every minute that I can, knowing that each moment, each day passes and it will never return again.
I've been working on some slide shows. I'm learning more and more with each one that I create. I've really been enjoying making them. I'm also working on a scrapebook of my flowers. Hopefully this week, I'll get to work on both, some. So much to fit into a week's vacation, its exhausting!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Noah
Noah, his smile is catching. I just look at his picture and I can't help but smile and feel better about everything and anything. 5 months old now and growing much too fast. I am cherishing every day, every moment.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
"One More Day"..... Written By Barbara
"If I were to have one more day with my Mother, it may possibly be cherished, more than the years I was given to love her. I would try not to waste that heavenly day with tears, although it would be extremely hard. Instead, I would embrace her, like I've never embraced. I would cup her beautiful face in my hand and look at her like I've never looked before. I would kiss her cheek, like I've never kissed a cheek. We would talk of our times together and listen to our favorite songs. I would ask her to tell me of her life, I would pay more attention to her stories and pictures of her youth and ask what meant most to her. I would know her more in one day, than I have in my lifetime. I would say I was sorry, for some things that are still on my mind, and she would forgive me, for her love is unconditional, I would be free and feel I gave my best to her. On this precious day, I would almost not want to share her, then again, I would be bursting to want to tell our family of this miracle, and that she is alright. I would hold her hand like I've never held a hand. I would feel her Motherly warmth, like I have never felt.I would melt in her arms, like I did as a child. I would try to be brave and in control, so that I could remember this day clearly. I would tell her how much I want to be like her. We would talk softly, and I would ask her advise, as I always did. I would make her laugh, as I always did. I would have a day with her I've never had. I would make this day with her last, for I would kiss her good-night and keep her spirit in my heart, forever. This is how I would spend one day with , You, Ma, my sweet Mother, and friend. I love you, Barb.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Happy 4th of July!
Independence Day!Happy Birthday, America!
~
“I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States
of America,
and to the Republic
for which it stands.
One nation under God,
indivisible,
with liberty and justice
for all.”
~
The Anthem
The Defense of Fort McHenry
by Francis Scott Key
20 September 1814
Oh, say can you see,
by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars,
through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched,
were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare,
the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner
yet wave
O'er the land of the free
~
To hear these words
to sing them
Always bring tears to my eyes
Patriotic songs and words
can do that.
I love my country.
My appreciation has only grown
since, 9/11/2001.
I remember that day well
and will never forget.
So, i celebrate this 4th of July
once again
with a tear in my eye
and
a forever growing appreciation
in my heart.
I love America
and I have been blessed
to be an American.
Happy 4th of July, All!
~Opal~
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Reason, Season, Lifetime..
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....
Looking back, remembering
Tonight, I worked on changing the title part of this site. Those red lillies, just opening outside my kitchen window, are the deepest of red. Beautiful and yet, I don't remember them there before. I was looking out the door and saw them, blooming fully, and brilliantly. The rains, which have seemed to be never ending this spring, took a break, and I was able to snap a few pictures of these lillies. The yard looks absolutely beautiful in color. Everything is opening this year, despite lack of sun. Its like a tropical forest outside with the steamy humidity and rains. The lawns are deep lush green. Lillies in yellow, reds, oranges, whites, and pinks are blooming. Three rose bushes are full and open. There is purples and yellows, to name a few, of other flowers opening beautifully and I love checking each day what is new.
For some reason, tonight after working on the title here, i scrolled down and read some of my posts from the first year that I was writing here. Amazingly, what I have come to see more and more, is how healing and grieving took place in those early days, when I poured my soul out here and tears until it began to change here, into other things called living. Looking back, and reading forward, I can almost see this change occuring. Still, there are many times I think of her, my mother, of course and still there are times which I grieve. I miss her. Sometimes when I look around me, I can't help but wish she could share in what is now, that she had not seen. Like these red lillies. I know how she'd admire them. I once got her lillies, a rare color in reds, and she spoke of them forever after. And of course, Noah. I think of that often. How he would of amazed her and how she would of loved him so. Still, as with all else, I have to believe she does see him, because she is a part of every one of us. After all, he has her blue eyes.
I read my writing tonight that i had written on her first anniversary of being gone. It easily brought it all back to me, even the emotions felt seemed to just wash right over me again as though I had just written it. Yet, I appreciated reading it and even feeling it again. I am grateful that I wrote it and have even the memory of pain, because its all part of remembering and healing. I think, I will always be healing but just in a different stage of it. I don't dwell. I am able to look back at the good times and speak happily of them with others. They are a part of me, of who I am, of who we all are.
I have passed by her birthday this year and Mother's Day, without writing on here. It does not mean that she was not in my thoughts and in my heart on those days. She is every day. One seems to run into another now, as I have been through the year, and those days have become easier, not easy but easier. As much as any other day, really. There are the days which I need to just let her into my thoughts and go with them. Sometimes, a smile comes across my face and sometimes a tear. Or, two. I have shared this site with many, in hopes that it might bring them to realize also, that really, we are all alike on an emotional level. And that writing and sharing really can and does help. I have printed every page of this site, placed it into a book and will leave behind for the beauty found in the memories kept alive.
I think often on a project that my sister and I are to do. One that she has done and waits for me to complete. "One More Day".
We would spend the morning on Hampton Beach, watching the sun rise, because my Mother loved the beach, the ocean, the sand, the waves, and early morning it is quiet and peaceful,as it is on this day we are together. We are all there, my sister, brother; husbands, children, grandchildren, and we sip on hot coffee, and nibble on orange marmalade jellied toast.
For some reason, tonight after working on the title here, i scrolled down and read some of my posts from the first year that I was writing here. Amazingly, what I have come to see more and more, is how healing and grieving took place in those early days, when I poured my soul out here and tears until it began to change here, into other things called living. Looking back, and reading forward, I can almost see this change occuring. Still, there are many times I think of her, my mother, of course and still there are times which I grieve. I miss her. Sometimes when I look around me, I can't help but wish she could share in what is now, that she had not seen. Like these red lillies. I know how she'd admire them. I once got her lillies, a rare color in reds, and she spoke of them forever after. And of course, Noah. I think of that often. How he would of amazed her and how she would of loved him so. Still, as with all else, I have to believe she does see him, because she is a part of every one of us. After all, he has her blue eyes.
I read my writing tonight that i had written on her first anniversary of being gone. It easily brought it all back to me, even the emotions felt seemed to just wash right over me again as though I had just written it. Yet, I appreciated reading it and even feeling it again. I am grateful that I wrote it and have even the memory of pain, because its all part of remembering and healing. I think, I will always be healing but just in a different stage of it. I don't dwell. I am able to look back at the good times and speak happily of them with others. They are a part of me, of who I am, of who we all are.
I have passed by her birthday this year and Mother's Day, without writing on here. It does not mean that she was not in my thoughts and in my heart on those days. She is every day. One seems to run into another now, as I have been through the year, and those days have become easier, not easy but easier. As much as any other day, really. There are the days which I need to just let her into my thoughts and go with them. Sometimes, a smile comes across my face and sometimes a tear. Or, two. I have shared this site with many, in hopes that it might bring them to realize also, that really, we are all alike on an emotional level. And that writing and sharing really can and does help. I have printed every page of this site, placed it into a book and will leave behind for the beauty found in the memories kept alive.
I think often on a project that my sister and I are to do. One that she has done and waits for me to complete. "One More Day".
One More Day
If I had one more day to spend with my Mother, it would be a magical day. It would be a magical day because there would be no time limits on it. It would stretch the 24 hour limit. Time would not matter. Still, there would be a most beautiful sun rise, and we would watch it begin this special day.
There would be no pain, no lacking of energy, no worries. For once, it would be a day which would be experienced as perfect and would always remembered as such.
We would spend the morning on Hampton Beach, watching the sun rise, because my Mother loved the beach, the ocean, the sand, the waves, and early morning it is quiet and peaceful,as it is on this day we are together. We are all there, my sister, brother; husbands, children, grandchildren, and we sip on hot coffee, and nibble on orange marmalade jellied toast.
-
The sun rises, yet there is a cool breeze. I listen to her tell of her stories of youth, as she loved to do. About her father, her brother, and how they called her father "Windy" because everyone would hear him coming from miles away. She loves to tell of these stories. Of how much she loved her younger brother, Ray. How special she would say that he is to her. Its important for her to let us know about her family and where she came. Of course, her special picture album is on the table, she turns each page slowly, after telling of each photo. Her grandmother in the long, black dress to the floor. She loved her so. Its important that I listen, its so very important that I hear each word and remember. And, I do, more than I ever have before.
-
Lunch matters none. At least not now. Breakfast comes at noon, lunch comes at supper, and supper comes late evening.
-
She drives, with "On the Road Again", Willie Nelson tapes and Johnny Cash, and we all sing along, as we drive around the white mountains. She loves to drive, take trips, see the beautiful views of the mountains and today is no different. On top of Mt. Washington, we can see forever. The day is clear, warm, sunny. Perfect. We climbed all the way up today, and this time we made it past "Tuckerman's Revene", unlike the last time when we all climbed it and stopped there, 3/4 the way up.
-
She is beautiful with the wind in her hair. Never colored, blonde hair, curls. I see her on this day, as I remember her in a picture with my father, standing on a cruise ship's deck. Her dress blowing in the wind, as well as her hair. Her lips, red. Her skin sunkissed and smooth. Her eyes as blue as the summer sky; crystal.
-
The Weathervane for haddock inbetween.
-
There is an "Early Bird Game"..which she loves, so we laugh lots and set up the lucky charms along the tables edge before us all, and wait with a huge degree of excitment and anxiousness to yell BINGO, because we're all so very close to that one last number! Her sense of humor as keen as ever. She is a sharp one and notices all. And laugh; she keeps you laughing.
-
We stop at the Cinese Restaurant, the one in the small strip mall that she loves, on the way home. She says she can't eat all of that! Her take out container filled. But, she does just about finish it and then puts the rest away for tomorrow.
Sitting around, in the large room off the kitchen of the camp, the one my father added on later' "The party room", we share mics and sing "Green Green Grass of Home", "Lucille", and so many others of her favorites. She always loved these singalongs; a group; a good time. Of course, in this special, perfect day, the day is filled with these songs.
We watch a few shows and movies; This old show that we'd laugh for hours over, "Mary Mary". Pop some popcorn, peel some juicy dripping mouth watering sweet grapefruit, and then watch Jay Leno of course. But the night is still young, its not nearing it's end, and we watch that old movie "HomeBodies" once again. And laugh, again, like its our first time.
-
Of course, with every part of this day and through it all, I hear her. I really, really listen. Her words, as always, tell me of everything that I need to know. She speaks about life, and world matters; the depression and money; of family and relationships; of enjoyment and pains. She tells me of happiness and letting go of sorrow; of not holding onto grudges, as life is too short. Inbetween our travels today, inbetween each meal and each stop, she tells me again, of everything that I will forever need to know. She tells me all thats important, which is every word she speaks. She tells me of the past, of struggles, of the present and of the future. And, in this perfect day, I listen and take in, and hold onto every word, because in this day I have a greater appreciation for her words, knowing that they will become softer. She tells me all of this because she knows. She has lived it and she is wise. She tells me how to love and be loving because she always was and still is, and always will be;
loved.
-
And now that I have finally started this project and written on our day, I don't know how to end it. I don't want to end it but I don't know how to end it either. I can't. And this part had not dawned on me until just now. What I really have described pretty much is lots of typical things done in one of her ordinary days, which seems ordinary but she loved these things and that makes them not so ordinary but every day as special. This IS the perfect day.
I'm not going to end this. I can't. I don't know how. I'm just going to say "I love you, Ma" and that is forever on.
~
Now I see how this perfect day has no limits of time. And as I look back, I realize how I said this would be a "magicial, special perfect" day, yet throughout it, I tell how it is an ordinary day, which she loved. How special it is in an ordinary day, if we make it so.
Wind Beneath My Wings
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
My Grandchildren
Memorial Day weekend we had a cookout at my house. This is Ashley (8yrs), Noah (2 1/2 months) and Kelsey (10). 
Back to the Reality of Things (Just a catch up)
Well, vacation is long over with and I've been back to reality now for a couple of weeks. It was a vacation that felt like a vacation and I needed that. I hope to take another right after Labor Day though, I might take a few days here and there throughout the summer. So far, it has not been as hot as last year to date. We were just talking last night of how at this time last year, we had been running the air conditioner daily for a month. This year we've only use a day or two, however, I've added my own in my room as I like it best when there are icicles hanging from the ceiling.
My daughter, Josh and their baby Noah are all moved in now, though they are still taking trips back when they have a day off from work to pick up more of their furniture. All is working out fine though we're all leaving for work and returning from work at different times. One comes home, another leaves. Noah is getting big. Just about 3 months old now and a happy little baby boy. I'm babysitting tonight as there is a bonfire at my other daughter's house and they've all gone over there. Noah and I don't get too excited about watching a fire, the smoke and the bugs, so we're just chilling out here in comfort. He just loves me. I can tell. He hears my voice and I see him looking for me. I then peek over to him and there is that smile! Its been a long time since a baby in the family. I believe he will be the last, so I don't want to miss a minute of it. I really am gratiful that he is here, and I can see him every day. He was living just way, too far away.
Went to the girl's soft ball game the other evening after I got out of work. Both, Kelsey and Ashley are on the same team. It was a beautiful evening really to sit outside at a picnic table and watch them play. Their team won!! Go team!! One more game to go for the season.
Today I went out in search of buying a plant for the yard and ended up with something different. I got the bright idea of starting an herb garden, so I bought my "starter herbs" to plant, hopefully tomorrow. I bought the few that I know about and would use. I guess if I want to continue this new idea and planting of a small new garden, I should read up on herbs to try out. Though one is not to eat, but I love it, and that is lavender. With any luck, if it grows enough, then I can dry pieces and place in sachet bags for the scent of it. There were a few others that I might go back to get, that I love the scent of them. Might be a fun new project. Though Barb knows how much time I have left over for new projects! I have a pile of scrapbooking materials sitting by my dining room table along with a pile of photos and empty books, just waiting for me to dig in. As if I have had the time. Work always seems to have a way of interfering with life. Though, really, at this time with all that has and is going on with the economy, I really am grateful.
My daughter, Josh and their baby Noah are all moved in now, though they are still taking trips back when they have a day off from work to pick up more of their furniture. All is working out fine though we're all leaving for work and returning from work at different times. One comes home, another leaves. Noah is getting big. Just about 3 months old now and a happy little baby boy. I'm babysitting tonight as there is a bonfire at my other daughter's house and they've all gone over there. Noah and I don't get too excited about watching a fire, the smoke and the bugs, so we're just chilling out here in comfort. He just loves me. I can tell. He hears my voice and I see him looking for me. I then peek over to him and there is that smile! Its been a long time since a baby in the family. I believe he will be the last, so I don't want to miss a minute of it. I really am gratiful that he is here, and I can see him every day. He was living just way, too far away.
Went to the girl's soft ball game the other evening after I got out of work. Both, Kelsey and Ashley are on the same team. It was a beautiful evening really to sit outside at a picnic table and watch them play. Their team won!! Go team!! One more game to go for the season.
Today I went out in search of buying a plant for the yard and ended up with something different. I got the bright idea of starting an herb garden, so I bought my "starter herbs" to plant, hopefully tomorrow. I bought the few that I know about and would use. I guess if I want to continue this new idea and planting of a small new garden, I should read up on herbs to try out. Though one is not to eat, but I love it, and that is lavender. With any luck, if it grows enough, then I can dry pieces and place in sachet bags for the scent of it. There were a few others that I might go back to get, that I love the scent of them. Might be a fun new project. Though Barb knows how much time I have left over for new projects! I have a pile of scrapbooking materials sitting by my dining room table along with a pile of photos and empty books, just waiting for me to dig in. As if I have had the time. Work always seems to have a way of interfering with life. Though, really, at this time with all that has and is going on with the economy, I really am grateful.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
*You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. *
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham,
drudgery
and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful )
(there ia a debate as to the fact that maybe he originally wrote Be careful.
Strive to be happy.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
*You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. *
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham,
drudgery
and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful )
(there ia a debate as to the fact that maybe he originally wrote Be careful.
Strive to be happy.
On Vacation
I'm still on vacation, my last full day. Today, its hot out, in the 90's. I've been out shopping and its time to just go chill in my room; read, maybe watch a movie, maybe take a nap. This week has been wonderful and i don't even want to think of it ending. A much needed and enjoyed vacation week. The weather up here in the mountains has been perfect. This year, I can even see the mountains! There still is some snow on the tops of them, though it is still considered spring.
I have shopped the unique shops in the down town area, and also the ones right outside the door. Of course, I've bought more books but I also bought another journal. When do I have time to write in them? Why do I continue to buy them? I must have five, blank, pretty journal books. Each time, I swear that this will be the one that I start in. Well, again, i say the same. Though there is one, a vacation journal that Barb and I started when we took our first vacation today, and yes, I have continued in that one, even on this solo vacation trip.
I love coming up here. Strangely, though I have come to this place since I was a kid, its all so much more appreciated now to the point that it all seems new. I was almost tempted to go some place different this year, like to the ocean, but here I am and without regrets.
So, now to journal and I also have my scrapbooking to continue with. I need to retire so I have time to do these things that I love doing! Never enough time for all the things that I want to do, and on that note, I'm off to go do more of what I enjoy and thats going with the flow of how I feel. After all, it is vacation! I don't want to even think, if I can help it!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Doing it Alone
Vacation time has finally arrived. I could hardly wait for last Friday to end, and I worked extra hard that last week to be sure my work was not only up to date but a bit ahead. I cleaned my office before shutting off the lights, being sure it was locked and leaving the building into the near perfect day even though it was late afternoon. I breathed a sense of relief. This vacation is much needed. I've not had a day off since March 8th, when Noah was born and I've not had vacation, a few days off, since last Labor Day. These winters months, I've put in much over time at work. Long hours in which I would drive into work while it was just starting to get light in the morning, and my drive home would be in the dark. I'm overly ready for a vacation.
As things do happen, a change of plans occurred. For the past few months I've been getting ready for this vacation, in my mind and spirit; buying movies or thinking games and books and alterations to make it a bit different this time, as my sister and I stay at the same hotel. I was getting more and more excited of us taking off again together. Though, a change of plans happened when she told me that she wouldn't be going this time around as she was going somewhere else with her husband. OK, now, i must write about this. Of course, at first, i felt sad. After all, this is "our" time together and this would of been the third year. But, what my sister and I have between each other, goes way beyond this "vacation time" occurrence and she knew it too, as did I. This is what is so special about our relationship. There is an understanding there and an acceptance which exists between us, that we go with how we feel, at the moment, and whatever that might be for each other; its exactly as its suppose to be. I was sad that I'd be without her on my vacation but now I needed to rethink my plans through and make some decisions on what I was going to do for this time of mine.
I wondered if I should go away. Should I stay at the same place if I did go away? Should I go somewhere new and try some different things? Should I just stay home and take some day trips? Should I go away and maybe invite someone else? Though most are working or plan vacation around family. Should I even take vacation at this time or save it for later in the summer? So, for the last few weeks, I have been thinking back and forth, trying to make a decision on this. But, if I did want to go away, I needed to take this week, for after Memorial Day weekend, all the prices for hotels go up. Which was one of the reasons we always took this week, besides less people in hotels as schools were not out for the summer yet.
I've taken vacations on my own before. I remember my very first one quite well. Actually, it was an unforgettable experience for me. About 20 years ago, as a working mother of three, my children and husband gave me a weekend away as a Mother's Day gift, at a hotel. It just so happens that it was the same hotel which my sister and I have spent our time the past few years. It was the best gift and so needed at that time, i remember. I went with excitment nor fear, of doing something on my own, alone. I spent my time reading, shopping, dining out, sitting by the pool, swimming, napping, and just enjoyed totally. I've never been one to fear doing things alone.
So, here I am now, on vacation. What did I decide to do? Well, as time neared this week and I knew I needed to make a decision as I had to get the vacation time from work approved, first of all and then reserve a room, if i was going away. I was sitting in my office one morning talking to a co-worker about it and she helped with the decision..."go for it. You don't mind doing things on your own. You'll enjoy the time away". She was right and I did. With vacation time approved, i decided to go where we usually go, up the mountains. I did consider the ocean, but I so love the area of the mountains and have gotten to know my way around and shops that I enjoy. But how to make it different? I reserved the suite instead of a regular room. A king size bed, 2 person jucuzzi in room, suite! And my excitement grew!
I've been buying and packing movies and books and making little plans for while I'm there. I am half packed now, as I leave tomorrow morning. And I'm excited. Its sort of funny when someone asks me "where are you going on vacation?" and i reply that I'm going up to the mountains, always the next question is "who are you going with" or "Is your husband going with you"? When I reply that I'm going alone, most just don't know how to take that. The thing is, I've never had a problem going off alone. Infact, there are times when being alone is very welcomed. Sometimes "I'm my own best company". There is a relaxation found in being on one's own where you don't have to talk if you don't want to, or listen, for that matter. You can sleep in late morning without feeling as though any one is waiting to get going for the day. You can nap, without worry that another might not be tired. You can eat when you want without concern of what another might feel like for food and style and you can do exactly as you want without wonder if another wants to do the same as you do.
Though, there are not many people I'd go away with on vacation, my sister is one of the very few that I would. We just have such an understanding that we are able to accept fully what another wants to do or not do, and we just go with the flow of it. I did a sort of crazy thing this morning; I looked up on the net about vacationing alone and found some comments on doing just that by people who go the route that I do and have:
*My favorite "vacations" are when my husband takes the children somewhere for a few days and I get blissful silence in my own house. It's heaven and highly recommended.posted by Sweetie Darling
*Go for it and don't worry about what anyone else has to say. It's your life and your mental health. No one but you can assure you keep it in top shape. :-)posted by arishaun
*I am actually taking my first extended trip away (another working vacation) to London in April. I felt a little guilty at first, but hubby was behind me 100%.
*My mum thought I was nuts, but he knows that I'd be unhappy if I passed it up. To him, 3 weeks of missing me is preferable to a wife who's about to lose her sanity.
*My parents, who've been married for forty-odd years, have always taken trips on their own from time to time. Come to think of it, so did both sets of my grandparents. Seems normal enough to me.
*I vacationed solo when I was single and it was amazing. Even hiked across Europe by myself. A lot of folks couldn't understand it and others were envious or inspired by it.
*I think that a vacation alone is good for your health for many reasons. One is appreciation of what you have a real chance to reflect on it. Time alone opens the mind and enables you to see new possibilities where before there were only responsibilities. No matter if it is a long period or short, you will be more aware of your self, how you feel and what makes you happy.
*I encourage my wife to cherish her alone time and take it when the chance arises. You should go and leave the guilt behind.posted by bkeene12
*Heck, I was told I was weird for vacationing alone single, let alone now that I'm not. I like to go to neat cities for a long weekend, stay at a small inn or guesthouse, and walk, take pictures, eat at the bar in nice restaurants, chat with strangers, read books, sip coffee, write postcards, and in general just be myself.
*I think you'd be crazy not to take the opportunity to treat yourself.posted by Sassyfras
So there is a sample of my morning's readings. I'm not so different (or strange) after all! Seems what some people have never done or feel, for whatever reason, can't do, it is strange to them. I don't seek nor long for understanding of others. I'm just me.
Tomorrow morning, I take off. My route is planned, my stops along the way, unhurried. I plan on taking pictures, of course, and keeping the journal which my sister and I had started (and she reminded to me to keep it going even on this solo trip), and I'll soon be writing of my new adventures here.
As things do happen, a change of plans occurred. For the past few months I've been getting ready for this vacation, in my mind and spirit; buying movies or thinking games and books and alterations to make it a bit different this time, as my sister and I stay at the same hotel. I was getting more and more excited of us taking off again together. Though, a change of plans happened when she told me that she wouldn't be going this time around as she was going somewhere else with her husband. OK, now, i must write about this. Of course, at first, i felt sad. After all, this is "our" time together and this would of been the third year. But, what my sister and I have between each other, goes way beyond this "vacation time" occurrence and she knew it too, as did I. This is what is so special about our relationship. There is an understanding there and an acceptance which exists between us, that we go with how we feel, at the moment, and whatever that might be for each other; its exactly as its suppose to be. I was sad that I'd be without her on my vacation but now I needed to rethink my plans through and make some decisions on what I was going to do for this time of mine.
I wondered if I should go away. Should I stay at the same place if I did go away? Should I go somewhere new and try some different things? Should I just stay home and take some day trips? Should I go away and maybe invite someone else? Though most are working or plan vacation around family. Should I even take vacation at this time or save it for later in the summer? So, for the last few weeks, I have been thinking back and forth, trying to make a decision on this. But, if I did want to go away, I needed to take this week, for after Memorial Day weekend, all the prices for hotels go up. Which was one of the reasons we always took this week, besides less people in hotels as schools were not out for the summer yet.
I've taken vacations on my own before. I remember my very first one quite well. Actually, it was an unforgettable experience for me. About 20 years ago, as a working mother of three, my children and husband gave me a weekend away as a Mother's Day gift, at a hotel. It just so happens that it was the same hotel which my sister and I have spent our time the past few years. It was the best gift and so needed at that time, i remember. I went with excitment nor fear, of doing something on my own, alone. I spent my time reading, shopping, dining out, sitting by the pool, swimming, napping, and just enjoyed totally. I've never been one to fear doing things alone.
So, here I am now, on vacation. What did I decide to do? Well, as time neared this week and I knew I needed to make a decision as I had to get the vacation time from work approved, first of all and then reserve a room, if i was going away. I was sitting in my office one morning talking to a co-worker about it and she helped with the decision..."go for it. You don't mind doing things on your own. You'll enjoy the time away". She was right and I did. With vacation time approved, i decided to go where we usually go, up the mountains. I did consider the ocean, but I so love the area of the mountains and have gotten to know my way around and shops that I enjoy. But how to make it different? I reserved the suite instead of a regular room. A king size bed, 2 person jucuzzi in room, suite! And my excitement grew!
I've been buying and packing movies and books and making little plans for while I'm there. I am half packed now, as I leave tomorrow morning. And I'm excited. Its sort of funny when someone asks me "where are you going on vacation?" and i reply that I'm going up to the mountains, always the next question is "who are you going with" or "Is your husband going with you"? When I reply that I'm going alone, most just don't know how to take that. The thing is, I've never had a problem going off alone. Infact, there are times when being alone is very welcomed. Sometimes "I'm my own best company". There is a relaxation found in being on one's own where you don't have to talk if you don't want to, or listen, for that matter. You can sleep in late morning without feeling as though any one is waiting to get going for the day. You can nap, without worry that another might not be tired. You can eat when you want without concern of what another might feel like for food and style and you can do exactly as you want without wonder if another wants to do the same as you do.
Though, there are not many people I'd go away with on vacation, my sister is one of the very few that I would. We just have such an understanding that we are able to accept fully what another wants to do or not do, and we just go with the flow of it. I did a sort of crazy thing this morning; I looked up on the net about vacationing alone and found some comments on doing just that by people who go the route that I do and have:
*My favorite "vacations" are when my husband takes the children somewhere for a few days and I get blissful silence in my own house. It's heaven and highly recommended.posted by Sweetie Darling
*Go for it and don't worry about what anyone else has to say. It's your life and your mental health. No one but you can assure you keep it in top shape. :-)posted by arishaun
*I am actually taking my first extended trip away (another working vacation) to London in April. I felt a little guilty at first, but hubby was behind me 100%.
*My mum thought I was nuts, but he knows that I'd be unhappy if I passed it up. To him, 3 weeks of missing me is preferable to a wife who's about to lose her sanity.
*My parents, who've been married for forty-odd years, have always taken trips on their own from time to time. Come to think of it, so did both sets of my grandparents. Seems normal enough to me.
*I vacationed solo when I was single and it was amazing. Even hiked across Europe by myself. A lot of folks couldn't understand it and others were envious or inspired by it.
*I think that a vacation alone is good for your health for many reasons. One is appreciation of what you have a real chance to reflect on it. Time alone opens the mind and enables you to see new possibilities where before there were only responsibilities. No matter if it is a long period or short, you will be more aware of your self, how you feel and what makes you happy.
*I encourage my wife to cherish her alone time and take it when the chance arises. You should go and leave the guilt behind.posted by bkeene12
*Heck, I was told I was weird for vacationing alone single, let alone now that I'm not. I like to go to neat cities for a long weekend, stay at a small inn or guesthouse, and walk, take pictures, eat at the bar in nice restaurants, chat with strangers, read books, sip coffee, write postcards, and in general just be myself.
*I think you'd be crazy not to take the opportunity to treat yourself.posted by Sassyfras
So there is a sample of my morning's readings. I'm not so different (or strange) after all! Seems what some people have never done or feel, for whatever reason, can't do, it is strange to them. I don't seek nor long for understanding of others. I'm just me.
Tomorrow morning, I take off. My route is planned, my stops along the way, unhurried. I plan on taking pictures, of course, and keeping the journal which my sister and I had started (and she reminded to me to keep it going even on this solo trip), and I'll soon be writing of my new adventures here.
If I had my life to live over...(I'd Pick More Daisies)
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.I'd relax, i would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip
I would take fewer things seriously
I would take more chances
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers
I would eat more ice cream and less beans
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have few imaginary ones
You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly
and sanely hour after hour, day after day
Oh, I've had my moments
and if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else
Just moments, one after another,
instead of livng so many years ahead of each day
I've been one of those persons who never
goes anywhere without a thermometer,
a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had to do it again,
I would travel lighter than I have
If i had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall
I would go to more dances,
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Sweet baby of ours
Josh, Tammy and Noah, at my house last Sunday morning. Click on picture for a large, close up.
Noah, changing every day
Every day, Noah changes, and I don't want to miss a moment! Seven weeks old here and our first summer like day of the season. Sleeping in his chair on top of my kitchen counter. He's moving into my home next weekend and I can't wait! Of course, his mommy and daddy are coming along. Its been nine years since having a baby in the family and knowing this will be my last grandchild, I just don't want to miss a moment of him growing and changing.
I've spent yesterday, Saturday, finishing cleaning out the spare bedroom and cleaning it. Even washed the windows inside and out and hung fresh curtains. Its ready for move it. Today, I'm going to the store to get some pictures printed. I've opened up my mess of creative memory stuff and really would like to work on some of it. Its sort of taking over my house. I keep buying the neat little add on's as stickers and cutouts and papers and the piles grow but I never seem to find the time to just sit, spread it all out and work on it. Time seems to always be a factor! My job takes up too much of my time!
Noah is over to my other daughter's house today, Heidi. After I hit a few stores, I'm going over to just hold him awhile and get my fix.
I'm planning on taking a vacation at the end of this month and I'm also going to take as many days as I've saved up so far rather than sparing some for later. I'm dying for time off and at this point I've not any solid plans but I've been thinking on things! I'm on my own this vacation. As it looks now, I might just say home some of those days and do some things I've been wanting to do and also, I might just get in my car and drive on off into the sunset and stay away for a few nights just for the peace of it all. In any case, no matter what I end up doing, there is one thing for certain; I won't be going into work! That much I know.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Early Thoughts of Mother's Day
Soon, it will be Mother's Day again and I can't help think of it. Actually, I have been for awhile. No, I am not saddened by such a day. Such thoughts do though come to many, I am sure. I see it as a celebration of a Mother's love. Truly a gift from one's mother to child, which is returned forever after, in some way. At least, that is how it has existed always for me. I am blessed as I always known a loving family.
Since the first Mother's Day celebration after my mother had passed away, I've always gone out and got something for her garden. One year it was garden stepping stones, another year it was a hanging bird house. Of course, flowers to plant in her garden also. There have been different things I've done since her passing that has brought a sense of peace and acceptance in the whole grieving process and of course, the fact that my sister and I have talked much about things now. I do believe it was this blog that helped that to happen. Through our writings.
I've always felt in my heart that one could never truly know the deepest of a mother's love, unless one was a mother. To have loved a child inside one's own heart is what allows to know a mother's love and it's depth. I suppose this very belief is what brings my thoughts on Mother's Day, early this year. Because, Noah was born.
I watch my youngest daughter with her one child and I see the love in her eyes for him. I watch it in her every movement; her every word spoken to him. I had never thought she would have a child and in my own heart I always felt that she would never know the truest love of all; the love that only a mother could feel. I know, without a doubt, she knows that feeling now, for it is clear.
So, this Mother's Day, it will be again, in it's own way, very special this year. I will celebrate with my daughters and grandchildren. And in the day, i will think also of my Mother and I will celebrate the day with her also, in my heart, as always. I do not grieve this day, nor do I dread it. I look foward to it because it is the day which we, those of us who love in our hearts as we do, feel united in a way that only those who have given in such a way, will understand and feel.
Since the first Mother's Day celebration after my mother had passed away, I've always gone out and got something for her garden. One year it was garden stepping stones, another year it was a hanging bird house. Of course, flowers to plant in her garden also. There have been different things I've done since her passing that has brought a sense of peace and acceptance in the whole grieving process and of course, the fact that my sister and I have talked much about things now. I do believe it was this blog that helped that to happen. Through our writings.
I've always felt in my heart that one could never truly know the deepest of a mother's love, unless one was a mother. To have loved a child inside one's own heart is what allows to know a mother's love and it's depth. I suppose this very belief is what brings my thoughts on Mother's Day, early this year. Because, Noah was born.
I watch my youngest daughter with her one child and I see the love in her eyes for him. I watch it in her every movement; her every word spoken to him. I had never thought she would have a child and in my own heart I always felt that she would never know the truest love of all; the love that only a mother could feel. I know, without a doubt, she knows that feeling now, for it is clear.
So, this Mother's Day, it will be again, in it's own way, very special this year. I will celebrate with my daughters and grandchildren. And in the day, i will think also of my Mother and I will celebrate the day with her also, in my heart, as always. I do not grieve this day, nor do I dread it. I look foward to it because it is the day which we, those of us who love in our hearts as we do, feel united in a way that only those who have given in such a way, will understand and feel.
Spring and growing
Spring has arrived. This weekend bringing tempertures into the 80's. Seems like we shut off the furnace heat and turn on the a/c, every year. It just sneaks up on us. I've had the a/c on all weekend but that doesn't surprise anyone who knows me. I just like it cool (ok, cold). So, I've been chilling all weekend.
The lawn is turning once again, its beautiful rich green and the flowers are spouting up all over. I love watching them. Each day, just to walk around and see how far they've come even overnight. The dafodils are in full bloom in "the secret garden" out front. The weekneds is just never enough time to do all that i want to do. So much has been going on.
In a few weeks, Noah, my new little grandson will be living at my house for awhile, with his mommy and daddy, Tammy and Josh. Josh is in college for R.N. and we're very proud of this. We've been busy this weekend getting the room ready for them.
I'm in the makings of plans for my vacation, which I was going to take at the end of May. Some plans changed, as Barb is not going with me on this trip (trip? I might not leave the house!) Though we are planning a movie night, maybe sometime next month with a classic movie I bought her (a joke between us movie!). I'm thinking of having a "girl's movie night" soon. Not sure what I'm doing on my vacation or where I'm going yet, but I do know that I'm taking one and that I won't be going to work during that time! So, a few things are for certain.
Tammy and I are planning on working on our creative memory books after she moves in. We're both in the middle of albums, so thats something we're planning on working on soon. I've been setting up some things for that, this weekend also.
Don cleaned out the hot tub this weekend and dove into it last night and we've been having quite a few bbq's already. The snow seems to have melted and disappeared fast this spring. The ground is dried up and everything is looking really nice.
Its been awhile since writing on here. It sort of has slowed down some but its become a part of all of our lives, this blog site, and I will keep it going and keep it updated with news. This site, which began as a grief and grieving place, has become so much more. It filled me when I needed it, to write and get my thoughts and feelings out but now its become all of our lives and what goes on in life. I know it's become exactly what my Mother would want it to be; about life and living it.
The lawn is turning once again, its beautiful rich green and the flowers are spouting up all over. I love watching them. Each day, just to walk around and see how far they've come even overnight. The dafodils are in full bloom in "the secret garden" out front. The weekneds is just never enough time to do all that i want to do. So much has been going on.
In a few weeks, Noah, my new little grandson will be living at my house for awhile, with his mommy and daddy, Tammy and Josh. Josh is in college for R.N. and we're very proud of this. We've been busy this weekend getting the room ready for them.
I'm in the makings of plans for my vacation, which I was going to take at the end of May. Some plans changed, as Barb is not going with me on this trip (trip? I might not leave the house!) Though we are planning a movie night, maybe sometime next month with a classic movie I bought her (a joke between us movie!). I'm thinking of having a "girl's movie night" soon. Not sure what I'm doing on my vacation or where I'm going yet, but I do know that I'm taking one and that I won't be going to work during that time! So, a few things are for certain.
Tammy and I are planning on working on our creative memory books after she moves in. We're both in the middle of albums, so thats something we're planning on working on soon. I've been setting up some things for that, this weekend also.
Don cleaned out the hot tub this weekend and dove into it last night and we've been having quite a few bbq's already. The snow seems to have melted and disappeared fast this spring. The ground is dried up and everything is looking really nice.
Its been awhile since writing on here. It sort of has slowed down some but its become a part of all of our lives, this blog site, and I will keep it going and keep it updated with news. This site, which began as a grief and grieving place, has become so much more. It filled me when I needed it, to write and get my thoughts and feelings out but now its become all of our lives and what goes on in life. I know it's become exactly what my Mother would want it to be; about life and living it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Noah's Arrival
Tammy & Noah in the hospital about 30 minutes after his entrance into the world.
Noah soon after his birth, with his Mommy and Daddy (Tammy & Josh)Welcome to the world, Noah!
Noah & Aunt Heidi
Noah, born Sunday, March 8, 2009. This picture, taken just moments after his birth.Friday, January 30, 2009
Just Thoughts
I just looked back through this blog. The many changes, and happenings; feelings, thoughts. I just realized also that I have been writing here for almost 2 years. I just re-read my very first post written on Feb. 28,2007. It was near a year after my mother had passed away, on March 25, 2006. What made me start writing here, I don't remember. I had never known or heard about these blogs, back then. I just did it. I remember writing on my childhood home that first post and enjoying that time in thoughts and memories as I sat here writing. And then, I just kept going.
Its not a new awareness tonight as I look back, at how this blog has changed over the past two years. I felt the change occuring as it did. I have been aware of the comfort and healing writing in the blog as brought to me. But the changes that I've almost watched unravel by themself is that what started as a place to grief and express my loss has turned into exactly what the title has always been; "The Beauty Of Life". The losses went into changes and joys and celebrations. Yes, there were more losses from time to time just as there has been joys of life shared and recognized. So, when I look back at all that is here, on this blog of the past two years, I see a journal, almost in steps of life unfolding as it will. A family's losses and births. Celebrations and sorrows. It is apparent to see and still feel in each post as it was, when I read back.
I have often thought, as I've looked over the posts and pictures and times shared here with the awareness of seeing life going on, I have thought how my mother is approving of it all. She would of course want our attentions and recognitions to be focuses on such. And how my thoughts have changed since beginning to write here. This place has served it's purpose of grieving and no doubt it will again some time. That is life also. So, here is where life unfolds in all it's magical forms, not only as this once began, in heartbreak. There is such power in words and expressing, whether one is the reader or the writer, its all the same. There exists a give and take in both.
Its not a new awareness tonight as I look back, at how this blog has changed over the past two years. I felt the change occuring as it did. I have been aware of the comfort and healing writing in the blog as brought to me. But the changes that I've almost watched unravel by themself is that what started as a place to grief and express my loss has turned into exactly what the title has always been; "The Beauty Of Life". The losses went into changes and joys and celebrations. Yes, there were more losses from time to time just as there has been joys of life shared and recognized. So, when I look back at all that is here, on this blog of the past two years, I see a journal, almost in steps of life unfolding as it will. A family's losses and births. Celebrations and sorrows. It is apparent to see and still feel in each post as it was, when I read back.
I have often thought, as I've looked over the posts and pictures and times shared here with the awareness of seeing life going on, I have thought how my mother is approving of it all. She would of course want our attentions and recognitions to be focuses on such. And how my thoughts have changed since beginning to write here. This place has served it's purpose of grieving and no doubt it will again some time. That is life also. So, here is where life unfolds in all it's magical forms, not only as this once began, in heartbreak. There is such power in words and expressing, whether one is the reader or the writer, its all the same. There exists a give and take in both.
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